Deer Heart

I had never thought that something so brutal could feel so beautiful. I can smell his fear, I am attuned to his terror.  

Dark alleys are always something your mother warns you away from; she did always give the best advice. At 21, though, far from sober and on a drunken high from a night out, tripping over your own feet onto pavement, it’s not something you really consider. I tried to think of my phone, my phone, where had it gone? A torch is what I needed, my feet freezing and suffering from lost stilettos, though I did really think it was the funniest thing, giggling to myself as my muddied hands pulled me up from the gutter. I realised then, that I was being watched from the shadowed doorway opposite. Though in my inebriated state, I felt no danger. 

“Where’s my heel, have you taken it? That’s not very nice,” I muttered in disjointed speech, “That’s not very nice at all.” 

“You know, I think I might have seen it.” 

His response startled me, and I tripped backwards a little. 

“Follow me. I’ll buy you another pair if they’re muddy.” 

This was a little more forceful, and the faint ringing of alarm bells went off in my head.  

I think the alcohol drowned them out. 

I won’t detail what happened next. But I was changed, I wasn’t the same after that night. I was beyond help, as my family discovered in their desperate attempts to recover who I once was. I believe I died that night. Not physically, but whoever I once was, was well and truly lost. I couldn’t stay, it didn’t feel right to live where a now-stranger had. Not as a shell of myself. So, I ran. I ran far. I had no idea where I was headed, but that didn’t make any difference to me as I didn’t know where I had been, either way. I ran, ran from the life that had crumbled, ran from everyone who thought they knew me.  

I haven’t slept properly in three nights, though sleep is a rarity on the forest floor, even with the sounds of solitude and the calming atmosphere. I bring the forest to life at night with my thoughts, bright and beautiful and mine, all mine. Something is beginning to form in my mind, a plan, something sleep could have cruelly snatched from me. Sleep would ruin my plans. Very few people have crossed my path since I left, numbers that I could count on one hand. But something is changing, I can feel it in my blood, to my marrow, he will be here soon. And when he gets here, he won’t be able to hide any more.  

You started this game, and we’re not finished. We’re still playing, and I want to win. 

I’ve been awake for two nights longer, pacing, only pacing, and I am starving. Food is one of the few thoughts at the forefront of my mind. I’m hungry. Unimaginably hungry. I think of tearing flesh, I see a wolf chasing a deer in my mind, and watch as it catches the prey, the dulling of its eyes in my crude daydream. I am so hungry I think I could eat a man.  

Not long now. He knows I’m waiting, and he’s terrified. I can hear the quivering of his deer-heart from miles away. He is slow, but I am patient. What restraint I have. 

Into the clearing he steps. There, I wait.

I am so hungry.

His deer-heart beats faster. It tries to pump all the blood it would in a lifetime, it knows the end is near. Cut short. He falls to his knees, stains his hands in soil; I think he is praying. Faith will bring him no saviour. I wonder, if in heaven or hell, anyone waits for him. I wonder if he believes he deserves mercy. My feet are bare and cold. What he took from me was worth much more than some shoes. That is what he still does not see. 

“I’m waiting.” I whisper. 

“Follow me, I have a gift for you.” 

This was for an assessment, the prompt was "the gift." I promise I actually used it. Honestly, I took it home because I wasn't happy with it, for the same reason as many things I've written - liking the idea but not the execution, and that I'm too competitive. I've edited it and I hope I've done it justice. I'm also, if you couldn't tell, young enough to have never been drunk and I hate writing speech, so sorry if that part sounds a bit shitty. Also, entirely off topic but apparently I'm in the top 0.1% of Hozier listeners, considering I've only been listening seriously since about September I think that's quite an achievement. I think that means only a Hozier song is appropriate for the the song suggestion. I might tell you more about myself at some point, I don't know what yet but I don't plan on staying anonymous forever. I want to write more often but I'm still learning my way around actually having a life and doing schoolwork. We'll get there eventually. Thank you for reading :)

Song Suggestion - Swan Upon Leda - Hozier